


Bysexual Disaster

by awkwardocalypse



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Bisexual Disaster, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexuality, Byleth does not understand how to date men, Byleth realising she might be a bisexual disaster, Coming Out, Cute, F/M, Fluff, I'm just as useless XD, RIP bisexuals of the world :'D, Seriously my only truly healthy relationship was with an enby, Which is only appropriate because most men don't know how to date women, Wholesome, You dork, and you, i did it for the memes shal, mostly you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-11-28 15:41:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20968979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardocalypse/pseuds/awkwardocalypse
Summary: Byleth realises that she would probably fuck Claude.  Due to a lifetime of being attracted to women, she has absolutely no idea what this means or what she should do about it.  She proceeds to consult the best, worst, and memetic people possible about the situation.  Chaotic Useless LGBT+ romantic comedy written mostly for a friend because memes.  Golden Deer route.  Takes place post-timeskip, so minor spoilers for Chapter 12 onwards.





	Bysexual Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> This was written about a bisexual disaster by a bisexual disaster for a fellow bisexual disaster and it's basically based on how my Byleth only married women until I got to Claude and was like fdsajgrwkfadlsGW and that was that.

'HILDA - HOW DO I DICKS?!'

'Huh-Wha-?'

Hilda's eyes spun around the room, blinking a few times to be sure that she hadn't found herself in some bizarre dream where her professor-turned-commanding officer hadn't just lost all composure and burst into her room demanding to know how to do... something... involving penises. At first, she was wondering if this meant Byleth had a crush on that cute nun from the sauna but that assumption was soon crushed when she elaborated,

'BOYS. DICKS. EXPLAIN.'

'Wow, uh... there's a lot to explain there, Professor.'

'WHY?!'

'I mean, wouldn't Manuela know better than me? She does physical exams and stuff...'

'NO- I MEANT- MEAN- CLAUDE!'

'You're... asking why Claude has a dick?'

'_UGHHHHH!_'

Byleth about-faced and began smacking her head against a wall, uttering only the word, "Stupid" along with a few increasingly-loud four-letter ones. Not wanting her professor to concuss herself in her room, Hilda pulled her away and onto her bed, motioned for her to stay put, and poured her a cup of tea.

'It's still hot,' she explained. 'Just had Ferdinand over a few minutes ago.'

Byleth's only reply was a vague squeal with her lips pulled all the way over her teeth as she squirmed awkwardly on the spot. If it hadn't been for the fact that Hilda could feel her burrowing a hole into her mattress, she might've found it cute.

'Okay, sooo what's the problem?'

'I think I wanna fuck Claude?'

Well, shit, Hilda didn't really have a good response to that.

'... How?'

In hindsight, that was probably not the right question she should've asked. Not that this was a bad thing. Claude was, all things considered, probably her best friend among her fellow Golden Deer alumni and she knew better than anyone just how much he'd been crushing on the professor. This _should_ have been cause for celebration, an opportunity for her to play matchmaker for two of her favourite people. However, because Byleth had a reputation as, to use Dimitri's adorably-inept expression, Garreg Mach's third most-competent _horticulturalist_ (beaten only by Dedue on account of him being an _actual _gardener and, naturally, Shamir on account of her seducing basically every nun in the monastery with one domineering look), Hilda was utterly flabbergasted.

'I don't knooooww...' Byleth groaned, hanging her head and whimpering like a sad puppy. 'I thought I had this figured out - wake up, plan a strategy, punch some bandits, fuck village girls, but _ooooh nooo_ _\- _fucking Claude has to grow up into a stupid fucking handsome beast with his stupid fucking beautiful ideals and his stupid fucking... _ass_.'

'It _is _a pretty great ass, I'll give you that,' Hilda nodded with a half-hum, casting her thoughts back to whenever she'd stolen him away after the roundtable conferences for a quick fuck in his chambers during the five years Byleth had been away. 'You know, if you've got him bent over, he's got this _teensy _little blemish on his left cheek that kinda looks like a wyvern when it's all stretched out-'

'So, all I have to do is grab the Falchion and I'm sorted!' Byleth shot to her feet, downed her cup of tea, and pulled Hilda into a hug the rose-haired valkyrie feared would crush her shoulders - such was its awkward angle and the strength the professor was applying to her body. Soon, Byleth was crashing through the door and racing back to her quarters to grab her favourite toy, leaving Hilda with an open-jaw and two barely-touched cups of tea.

* * * * *

'You know, Professor, Rhea might not be here right now, but I don't think she'd approve of you brandishing something like _that _in-public.'

It took Byleth a full forty seconds for her brain to process that,

  1. She hadn't _actually _gotten a proper answer from Hilda in regards to her question.
  2. She was no closer to recognising whether or not the feelings going through her brain were just some kind of curiosity towards the opposite sex, or if she genuinely did have some very, _very _limited capacity to find men attractive.
  3. She was brandishing an _extremely _formidable exceedingly well-crafted wooden phallus and harness in one hand.
  4. Catherine, and no doubt a good chunk of Garreg Mach's other inhabitants, had seen her racing through the monastery with said artefact in-hand.

'I mean, I'm glad you've got a girl and all but-'

'DON'T-'

'Hey, look, I'm not judging - just warning-'

'NOT GIRL'

'I... I don't know what that means?'

'HE'S NOT A GIRL.'

Byleth was flailing rather helplessly at this point. Her face was redder than the trim of Catherine's armour, her arms were wobbling manically; as though they were generating all the continent's wind, and her ornate armament seemed to cut through the air with every uncontrolled swish and flick of her wrist.

'That... That isn't helping,' Catherine sighed. 'And stop waving that thing around, you'll have my eye out with it.'

'Sorry...' Byleth collapsed sheepishly, her hands snapping over her face as she blushed and moaned and hissed at herself. Even the wooden phallus seemed to droop, flopping impotently in the fresh springtime wind.

'Now, what's wrong?'

'You're not gonna believe this, but I think I kinda wanna fuck Claude?'

Thunderbrand's mistress took a half-step back, scratching her head with a puzzled expression. 'You're right, I don't believe it. I thought you only liked women?'

'_I _thought I only liked women!' Byleth's wooden dick bounced alarmingly in a fresh gust, wobbling in the wind as she continued to hide her features. 'I had this all figured out by the time I was _twelve_, and I was totally secure about it all but now stupid Claude has to come along with his stupid nice smile and his stupid handsome face and his stupid understanding stupid wonderful stupid adorable smile and his stupid winks and his stupid stupid sexy smile and I'm just _screaming_ inside!'

'Well,' Catherine took a deep breath and tried _really _hard to think of something to say to her friend. Something comforting and reassuring and supportive, something that would let Byleth know that she'd always be there for her. That she was still young, that it was perfectly natural for her to want to explore her sexuality. 'Have you tried just fucking him?'

There was a reason most people came to Shamir for this sort of thing.

'Oh, like it's _that _easy!' Byleth's hands dropped to her side and she glared like a grouchy kitten. 'Do you have _any _idea how stupid that sounds? "Hey, boy, you're kinda cute, how about I suck your dick to experiment? Who would _ever _agree to something like _that?!_'

'... You don't know a lot about men, do you?'

'_NO!_' Byleth raised a sceptical eyebrow, a question suddenly coming to mind. 'Waaait, you're not gonna tell me _you_ do, are you? 'Cus you're even worse at this than I am.'

'I-I am not worse than you!' Catherine huffed, leaning over in a failed bid to intimidate the younger woman.

'Oh, please, you did two laps of the monastery in a panic after Shamir proposed because you didn't know what to say to her! You are _definitely _worse at this than I am!'

'Hey! I've had a lot of experience with romance, you know! I saw a whole boob and everything! Two!'

'Your own don't count!'

'_Excuse me?_'

Byleth and Catherine spun around to find a very unimpressed-looking Shamir glaring at them with a look that was halfway between disappointment and embarrassment. 'Would the two of you _please _do the entire monastery a favour and quieten down-?'

'SHAMIR - HOW DO I DICKS?'

If looks could kill, Byleth would have been a sizzling little pile of ashes.

'I... What-? Look, if it's about that nun who runs the sauna, she's a woman, so don't give me any-'

'NO- I MEAN, I KNOW- BUT, NO, NOT HER-'

'Good, 'cus I think Dorothea girl's been making moony-eyes at her-'

'IT'S CLAUDE!'

'_Ooh_... Makes sense.'

Byleth's head turned so _completely _scarlet, Shamir swore her eyes lost any sense of definition in her face for a moment.

'BUWA-WHA-HOW-?'

Shamir sighed but forced a smile, trying to defuse the confused mess of emotions in-front of her while her partner sat back and tried to suppress a chuckle at how flustered Byleth had gotten herself.

'He's a really nice guy, he respects your opinions, and even I've got to admit he's got quite the ass. Heck, if I had to pick a guy... well, it'd probably be Alois, but I can appreciate why you'd pick Claude.'

'Alois, really?' Catherine scratched her head, one eye widening while the other half-closed. 'I never would've guessed.'

'I get the feeling he'd never force me into anything,' Shamir explained.

'Huh, that's fair,' her partner shrugged. 'I'd pick Seteth. Apparently, he sounds just like a girl when you peg him, so you probably couldn't even tell from behind.'

Now it was Shamir's turn to look confused. 'Tell he's- Wait, he... _what_?'

'I don't know, Manuela said it when she was drunk.'

'Of course she did, but back to you for a minute,' Shamir returned to Byleth, who by now was practically shrinking into herself. 'Look, I get you're confused, but you've really got nothing to worry about.'

'Wait, you're... you're not going to question my commitment to the Loving Women Agenda or anything?'

Shamir just sighed and rolled her eyes. 'Byleth, I- No. Just... No.'

'I'm sorry, this is new to me, I just... I don't... _What am I-?!_'

'Look, before you panic and have someone's eye out with that-' Shamir snapped, disarming Byleth with a quick snatch.

'That's what I said,' Catherine snickered.

Shamir silenced her partner with a side-glare and then, turning back to Byleth, put on a warmer smile. 'Look. Have you stopped finding women attractive?'

'No.'

'Then no one's questioning you on anything, so stop worrying so much. Claude's a nice guy, it's perfectly all right to be curious. Now, if it's parts you're concerned about, I can help you there.'

'Wait, how-?'

'Before I met Catherine, I dated a few women who were... how would you say it in Fódlan? Not born with the bodies they wanted? Point is, if it's dicks you want help with, I can advise...'

Byleth and Catherine were rather taken-aback by just how unfazed Shamir was about the whole thing. Sure, she had a reputation for stoicism, but they were both pretty awed by how she could avoid breaking out in a big blushy flail-storm like they did when it came to sex.

'... Of course, it _is _different with women,' she drew to a close. 'So, take everything I've said with a pinch of salt. It might, ultimately, be better to find a guy who likes guys and ask his input.'

'Don't you worry!' Byleth declared, grinning maniacally while redder than a Crest Stone. 'I know just who to ask.'

Thus did the professor sprint off towards the old house rooms, leaving Shamir with a handful of new questions and a very finely-made strap-on bobbing happily in the wind.

* * * * *

'Sylvain - How do I suck a dick?'

Five seconds later, Byleth was having to thump her old student on the back, helping him cough up one of the little heart-shaped chocolates her unexpected question had caused him to choke on.

'O-Okay... Okay- _Cough! _I-I think. I think it's- _cough_. Okay. _Okay_.' The redhead stoop straight again, gave his chest one most smack for good measure, and then asked, with quite the bewildered expression. 'Okay. Professor. What makes you think I know anything about-?'

'Felix.'

'C'mon, Professor, I date women-'

'Yeah, uh-huh, so what's that on your lip?'

Sylvain tried curling his bottom lip slowly behind the top, turning away from Byleth with an innocent hum; cheeks turning the same colour as his hair as he tried desperately to think of some excuse.

'... The nun from the sauna?'

'_Sylvain_.'

'Okay, okay, you got me,' he sighed. 'What's this for anyway? Don't tell me you're going after her-?'

'Sylvain, if you just answer the question, I promise to eat _one _course with you in the dining hall tomorrow.'

It didn't take the boy long to reach a decision.

'Okay, so I've got this trick with my tongue...'

* * * * *

There were a lot of messages Claude expected to receive, and a lot of ways in which he expected to receive them. A shakily-written letter stained with ink-spills saying only, "MY ROOM NOW" was not one of them. Indeed, it had taken him a bit of time to consider what he should read into it. The ink smelled like the kind Byleth usually wrote her letters with, but the handwriting was poor. Almost frail... At first, he wondered if this might be some sort of trap. Was Teach being held against her will? No, it couldn't be that... He saw her at breakfast. Not even the imperial army could've broken into the monastery and abducted her this quickly. Even if they had, Ingrid and Petra were leading the sky watch today. They _would_ have seen something...

Unsure of how to approach the situation, he'd gone to Hilda for her input. Confusingly, all she'd done was smile and say, 'Yeah, I think that's the Professor. Just do what she says, okay? Trust me on this.'

Well, now Claude was positively _stumped_. For the first time since reuniting with everyone, he genuinely didn't know how to approach the situation. Still, he trusted Hilda's judgement and he knew his old professor wouldn't have called him out like this unless she needed him for something. Perhaps she had some secret plan, something she was only able to trust him with? But then, Hilda seemed to have some inkling of what was going on. Had he missed a strategy meeting or something? No, that wasn't likely. Impossible, really. He'd helped to organise the timetable, there was _no way _he'd have missed something...

He made his way down to her quarters and knocked on the door. 'Professor?' He asked, confusion and caution intertwining in his voice.

There was a loud _smack_, the sound of tumbling books, and a sudden cry of, 'WHO'S THERE?!'

'It's... It's Claude. I think you asked me to come over?'

'O-Oh, of course. _Hahaha_...'

The hollow, nervous laughter continued. Claude's hand hovered above the Sword of Begalta. Now he was starting to put it together... Those people, the ones who'd impersonated Monica and Tomas, they'd taken Teach. That was the only way to explain that creepy laughter. Had they gotten Hilda too? Was that was this was about? He gripped the hilt, ready to draw the blade. As soon as that monster opened the door, he'd have its rotten head- 

'_AH! FUCKING SHIT OF A BEAST'S ASS!_'

Or, at least, he _would have_, if Byleth hadn't swung the door open and knocked herself in the face with it.

'Teach?!'

'NO-! YES? CLAUDE?!'

Instinctively, Claude dropped his hold on the sword and helped to pull Byleth to her feet.

'Teach, are you okay?'

'I'm fine... I'm just-just... Just dizzy. But I'm fine.'

Leaning on Claude, Byleth staggered over to her bed; clutching her forehead and groaning. 'Can you pour some tea...?'

He did as he was bade, taking care to sniff the tea before serving. Nothing smelled poisonous... No, what was he thinking? If it were poisoned, surely she'd have some waiting for him already? But then what, by all the gods, _was _going on?

'... I got your note, Teach?'

'What note?'

'The one you sent me, under the door? It was all in...' Claude considered the most diplomatic way of saying it. 'Well, handwriting that was, shall we say, not up to your usual standard, and Hilda wouldn't tell me what was going on.' His eyes narrowed. He really wanted to believe she was who she appeared to be but this was all so strange. He couldn't _not _rule it out...

'I'm okay, Claude,' she replied in-between taking sips from her cup. 'Really. I'm just... I'm just having a bit of a day.'

Claude nodded cautiously. 'Is there anything I can do for you?'

'I'm not sure anymore...' Byleth withdrew into herself, her eyes sinking from Claude into the tea.

'Teach?'

'Yeah?'

This was definitely a stupid idea and Claude supposed that made him unspeakably stupid for actually doing it. 'I hope this won't sound crazy but I need to know if this is really you.'

'What do you mean?'

'You're not one of Solon's people, are you?'

Byleth's head snapped back up, her eyes practically bulging with shock. 'What the-? Am I a what?'

'Teach, please!' Claude held her shoulders, gazing into her eyes; looking for some sign that the woman he loved was still in there. 'You have no idea just how _terrified _I am right now. This note, Hilda acting weird, _you're _acting weirder, I just... I can't... Teach, just- just say something! Please, I _have _to know it's still you-!' 

'I fell on my chest from a horse in training deliberately so Manuela would have to touch my boobs.'

It took a good half-minute for the coin to finally drop but, once it had, Claude just burst out laughing and flung his arms around his beloved professor. 'It _is _you Teach! Gods, I was scared for a moment-!'

'CLAUDE, THE TEA- THE TEA-!'

'OH SHIT-!'

* * * * *

It was a good thing Byleth had forgotten to wash the sheets this week. Lorenz would probably have a heart-attack if he could see how the cup had rolled over and shattered on the floor, though. Fortunately, after a good minute of apologising to each other, and another three of sweeping up the debris while _still _apologising to each other, she and Claude had managed to restore a _kind of _presentable-ness to the room...

Well, okay, they'd started by screaming at each other, moved onto Byleth trying to cast _Heal _on the carpet, before Claude finally just covered it up with a handkerchief - but, still, that was _like _cleaning up!

'So,' Claude asked when all was said and done. 'What did you want to see me for?'

Byleth spent the next twenty seconds just blushing and making awkward humming noises.

'Teach-?'

'AHH!'

'Are... Are you okay? You're kind of starting to worry me now.'

'I'm going to be honest, Claude,' she sighed, hanging her head in scarlet shame. 'I have _no idea _what I'm doing. I had this all planned out in my mind and, now that I'm here, I haven't got a _fucking clue_ what I'm doing.'

'Teach, I don't know what's going on, but I'll help with anything I-'

'Oh, _fuck it_.'

Byleth tried to kiss Claude but it ended up more like a tackle, with her tripping over his sash and barreling over him as their lips met. Suppressing a very loud four-letter word, Byleth just grit her teeth and pinned her friend.

'That was a kiss,' she tried to explain. 'I was going for a kiss.'

It dawned on Byleth that she'd never actually seen Claude flustered until now.

It was kind of cute.

'Well... Well, I, uh... W-WWell, frankly, Teach, that, uh... that... That kinda just, y'know, leaves me with even more questions...' He blinked a few times, just testing to see if this was actually reality and not some bizarre dream... Thinking back on it, he _had _tried Annette's cooking before the last time he remembered going to sleep, so maybe-

'I know!' Byleth sighed. 'I know, I know it does. Trust me. Trust me the fuck it does, I know. I had _no idea _I could... I mean... Fuck, I think I _like _you, okay?'

Claude's heart skipped a beat. He didn't know whether to hug her or try to wriggle away and grab Begalta. This... This couldn't be happening. Could it? _Could it actually be happening? _'I'm sorry, _WHAT?_'

'You heard me!' She yelled back. 'I didn't notice you before but, ever since we met up again, I'm just... I'm just thinking... I don't _know _what I'm thinking, okay?! I'm confused and frightened and I was kinda planning on calling down you down to give you a good fuck to see if this was what I wanted and now I don't know what I'm doing and I'm terrified and I feel like I just kissed you without permission and I'm sorry, I'm sorry-!'

'Apology accepted, just... uh... maybe... get off? I've got pins and needles in my leg.'

'O-Oh, sorry!'

'Thanks,' Claude gasped, finally managing to sit up. 'So. You've got your first guy-crush and it's confusing you, right? _Now _this is starting to make sense...'

'It is?'

'Let's just say I went through something similar first time I came to the academy.'

'Dimitri?'

'Hah! _Oh yeah_,' Claude laughed. 'Guilty as charged. I mean, sure, it turned out not to be such a big deal but it was still a little scary. You know how backwards Fódlan can be, I didn't expect everyone to be okay with it.'

'Is it different elsewhere?'

'It's... _complicated_,' he sighed. 'It's not that it's a problem where I'm from in and of itself, it's just that everyone's always supposed to be tough and know themselves and have no fear and all that. So, if you've gone through life thinking you're one way and suddenly you find out you're the other and you're not sure how to deal with that, _that's _seen as a sign of weakness. It's not _who_ you like, it's _how_ you're about it. I was a little scared someone from Faerghus would see it the same way. Warrior cultures, you know?'

'I think so,' Byleth nodded. 'My dad used to tell me it didn't matter who I liked, just that I was responsible about it. I appreciated that but he _was _a little hands-off when it came to advising me on the whole... romance thing.'

'That... makes a lot of sense.'

'What do you mean by that?'

'Well...' Claude put on his most charming smile, trying to preemptively soften the blow of what was to come next. 'You're... not the _best _at asking people out. Remember Manuela?'

'How was _I _supposed to know she didn't like women?!' Byleth blurted out, face igniting for what felt like the millionth time that day. 'She flirts with practically everyone!'

'_And_ Catherine?'

'How was I supposed to know she was with Shamir?!'

'_And _Rhea_-_'

'Now _that's _not fair! She's the one who ate _me _out!'

It took about half a minute of silence and two of laughter before either of them knew what to say to each other.

'_Okay_,' Byleth sighed, leaning on Claude's shoulder. 'Maybe I'm _not _the best at asking people out...'

'You're not, but I love you for it,' he replied, his smooth-talker smiling giving way to a softer, more honest one. 'And that's exactly why I'm _not _going to fall for your genius plan of trying to fuck me.'

Byleth hung her head again, letting out a low chuckle. 'Yeah... Guess that... That probably needed work.'

'_You _need time to think,' Claude put an arm around her, resting his head on hers. 'I'll be honest, Teach - I like you. I really, _really _like you. I have for a long time. I promise you, nothing would make me happier than knowing that you want me, too, but...' He sighed, shifting his head so that he could look her in the eye. 'I hope you won't be hurt if I say I _can't _be just an experiment?'

'No, you're right,' she nodded, moving to rest her head against him once again; reaching out a hand to give his a comforting squeeze. 'This was not a good plan. And... And I'm not ready.'

'No. You're not.' He learned over and placed a gentle little kiss on the top of her head, chastely wrapping both arms around her. 'I want you,' he confessed. 'But, more that that, I want you to be _sure_. I'll happily wait for as long as it takes for you to get there, I just can't rush us into something that might tear us apart later.'

'I know. I know.' Byleth sighed, shuffling down to rest her head in his lap. She pulled one of his hands against her face, closed her eyes, and just let herself feel safe and relaxed in his arms. 'Would you mind staying with me? Just a bit longer?'

'Anything you want, Teach. Whatever makes you happy.'

Byleth sighed and nuzzled against him, cheeks filling with a happy blush for the first time that day. 'You're too good for this world. You know that, right?'

'What can I say?' He asked, stroking her hair with an earnest smile. 'I had a good teacher.'

Said teacher was just about ready to close her eyes and fall asleep in the lap of this man she'd grown rather fond of. She might not have gotten all of the answers she wanted but, on the whole, she could be happy with this. It was a messy little day but at least it was ending in a way that made her feel safe and secure. Like nothing could possibly go wrong...

Until Shamir poked her head through the door, unaware of what was happening inside, and - with a voice blunter than a hammer - just blurted out, 'Professor, here, you left your dick-'

Byleth screamed so loud that, for the rest of the month, everyone at Garreg Mach feared the monastery was now being haunted by a demonic banshee.


End file.
